apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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