It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
