Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
