my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
