I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
