There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
