dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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