I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
