I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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