We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My cat gives me a boner
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
