I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
