i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
