When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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