I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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