He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
