she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
