Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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