Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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