yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
