She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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