Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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