i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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