Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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