he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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