We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
