You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
