M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
