margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
