Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
