I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
