just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
