I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
