how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize