His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
