The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
