look no pants
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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