the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
