you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
