I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
