My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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