it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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