Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
