Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
