i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
