I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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