You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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