you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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