Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
