Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
