thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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