Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
