i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
