i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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