I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
