im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
