I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
