he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
